Friday, May 7, 2010
Something happened today
I don't know how to describe it but something happened today. I woke up late, frustrated, and unable to breathe out of my nose. I thought I'd be able to recover on my way to club but it only got worse. I was happier when I saw everyone, but then I didn't get to teach my prayer lesson because everyone was talking. Frustration raised and then boom.
I was blank inside. I had finally hit the edge.
After club I got in my car and wanted to cry but I couldn't. Its like my tear ducts went on strike. They were dry just like my passion for my ministry. All I wanted was to go home and stare at my ceiling.
As I drove down the highway I passed a large Keebler truck. I started to think about all of the cookies inside. I wanted those cookies. I quickly devised a plan to hijack the truck and take all of the snacks. It was a genius plot that made me laugh, laugh until I cried.
It was at that moment that I realized that those cookies would never be mine. That I would never have the skills to hijack a Keebler truck. And that I might be called to lead a normal life, free of such life and death adventures. I might be called to just go to college then get married, be a teacher, have kids, grow old, and knit sweaters on the front porch and die all in the area of Lees Summit. Any other day I would hate everything about that thought, but today something happened.
I was o.k with the thought of being normal. People who know me know that I am not your typical 20 year old but I am certainly not a Beth Moore or off saving the world one homeless child at a time. Things I want to be more then anything. I have been so set on making sure my life goes according to my plan that I told God that I refuse to be anything less then my dreams. But what about Gods dreams for my life?
If God wanted me to hijack a Keebler truck he would've equipped me with the means to do so. If God wanted me to be a speaker at youth camps and travel the world, he would provide a way. But what if he doesn't? Will I sit around and pout wishing I wasn't dealt the short end of the stick? No way, at least not after today.
Whatever God wants, I want for my life.
I become jealous when I hear about my friends off joining missions schools, teaching in Ecuador, and going to Hillsong United in Australia. Not giving up, but being able to give years of their lives to God before starting college and getting married. I keep crying to God, "when is my turn? Look at all I do for you here! I want to go to Lord, its not fair!." Today God finally got my attention. He said, JoAnna, If your off saving the world, who will save my people here?
As long as I am completely surrendered to God, He knows whats best for me. The idea of leading a stereotypical normal life is no longer this scary monster that will feel me with regret. My life will never be normal, not as long as I am working for the King. I will have great adventures, I will love, and I will be the woman God wants.
I'm not giving up on my dreams, I'm just giving in to God.
Sometimes God just wants to know if your willing to go and do His work. I'm willing to be whatever God wants. No more wishing my life away, His ways and His plan are better then my own. So I will continue my work in my ministry and live my life with a knew attitude. It's not my ministry, it's Gods. I am just happy I get to be apart of it.